fold-away

yesterday i was asked whether or not i am obsessive compulsive. i thought for a long time before i answered. sometimes i am particular about things, especially if i feel nervous.

eventually i said that i didn’t know. afterwards, i asked jon what he thought. he said:

“well you always touch things with your finger a lot. i’ve noticed that”

i tried to think about the times when i do that.

when i am at a desk or a table (someone’s work space or a cafe table), when something is repeated (like a row of windows), when i am walking in a straight line (especially if there is a low wall or a fence), when there are different textures (like a garden or rendered buildings), when i’m somewhere new that is interesting (like a friendly bedroom or kitchen).

often if i am sitting with someone i want to touch them. only with my finger and only in certain places, such as joints (knees, elbows, wrists, knuckles) or exposed skin (hands, neck, shins).

it’s sort of like getting to know things.

perfect

a while ago, maybe two years, i was having coffee with a boy who suddenly said:

“i miss the feeling of being in love”

take me on a trip, i’d like to go some place

there are things that i do when i feel lonely.

i talk to myself.

i write letters.

sometimes i sing.

today i held a small brown mouse in my hand.

i bought a book that says ‘compositions’. i’m writing all these pages but i don’t know what do with them. i feel like letters don’t mean anything when i write them.

i try really hard.

watch

“i think you are going to be in love for a long time”

i had a dream in which i wrote a letter to someone. i remember what it looked really clearly. perhaps there was nothing else in the dream. the letter was on thin off-white paper, smaller than A4. the words were black ink, typewritten. it was very neat, set out in even paragraphs with a long epilogue to finish. i was so excited by this piece of paper in my dream (i think i was aware that it was a dream, but maybe i wasn’t). i read it quickly, so quickly i hardly took anything in. i had to read it again. on this second reading, i realised that i had not written the letter, it was addressed to me: dear popo. i read slowly and carefully, relishing it. in the second or third paragraph was a sentence that was so meaningful to me that i read it over and over. i wanted to memorise it. i couldn’t, or, i couldn’t remember it when i awoke, but i know it said the phrase “i’m sorry”. then something happened and i had to skip to the end to see who who had written to me. before i read the name, i decided it was more important to read the epilogue. i had to know what was going to happen in the end. i read every word but when i woke up i couldn’t remember even one of them. i just had a feeling of nervous excitement. the kind that makes you breathe in shaky.

colek

recently i found out that neptune and uranus may have seas of liquid diamond. i read about it here. i think a lot about diamonds. i find them fascinating. i like to imagine how they are made.

i want to have a show about diamonds in september, which i just decided is my favourite month.

everything is overwhelming and i feel a bit danger but i almost don’t care because that is what happens when things come to an end.

rambling

“he said i was obsessed with you”
”are you obsessed with me?”
“‘i don’t know. maybe. it’s hard to tell”

i have a new yellow blanket which i really like. yesterday the weather was cool and i had a tummy-ache so i spent most of the afternoon wrapped up in bed. it felt good: my sheets are green, my jumper is blue, my book is orange and my blanky is pink. all the colours felt good around me.  i would like to go on a picnic that recreates those colours and that feeling. i like picnics.

“goodnight”
”are you going to leave on that note?”
”yes”

there’s something wrong with my body today. i feel huge.

rotate

some of the things i’d rather be

1. a small bear

2. a lion

3. a beautiful woman writer who also sings sometimes.

plots

i am finding it hard to concentrate because i am having such a good time being inside my own head. i feel so good when i am thinking and i can’t keep the smile from my face.

i am just really great when i’m in there, and everyone else is really great too.

i would like to be able to tell you about it.

balance

i feel like everything is new. i feel like i am new and somehow i am better.

also i feel like everything is uncertain but really really good right now.

i wish i could explain this fully.

WRITHE IN ECSTACY

i have had some good conversations lately. a good thing about a virgo is that they like to talk. a lot. i can only talk to one person at a time. quietly.

“first i’ll tell him how you feel,

and then i’ll get him warmed up”

things are going to be okay.